Soulcalibur V: Ivy announced, with cop-out excuse for lack of middle-aged boob-sag

There’s nothing worse than someonewho doesn’t have thecourage of their convictions. If you’re going to commit to an idea, commit and follow through with it properly. Otherwise you’re just going to look a bit weasely. Take Soulcalibur V for instance. The whole set-seventeen-years-later-massive-roster-shake-up-fresh-new-faces-vs-old-practiced-masters scenario soundedpretty exciting a few weeks ago, but I now suspect I can hear the suspicious clicky whirr of frantic back-pedalling coming from Namco Bandai’s direction.

Because what are you supposed to do when your franchise’s publicity hangs almost entirely on the increasingly embarrasssing assets of a ludicrously designed caricature of female sexuality? Actually have the balls to push her into middle-age when your new plot-line dictates that you have to?

Nah. Nah, you don’t do that at all…

Announced in a recent post by SCV Producer Hisaharu Tago on thePlayStation US blog (opens in new tab), the now-49-years-old Ivy is going to look exactly the goddamn same as she did in Soulcalibur IV, coming complete with her traditional spine-breaking mammaries and outfit made of naught but a couple of belts and a lot of hope. The reason? She stopped aging at 32. Oh right. That clears that one up then. As long as it’s nothing to do with not wanting to give up on the adolescent fap-value of your series poster-girl despite your franchise’s new direction then.

As for the brand new characters, we have two. Natsu is a 17-year-old ninja trained by series regular Taki, who is nippy, acrobatic, uses short twin bladesand wears a skin-tight red outfit, but whome Tago-san is at pains to point out IS NOT A CHEAP REPLACEMENT FOR TAKI despite all of those rampaging similarities. He says that “After you use Natsu, you can discard any prejudice you may have that she is simply a replacement for Taki”. We shall wait and see then.

Above: Not Taki

The other newbie is a chap by the name of Z.W.E.I. He’s of your typical “mysterious, slightly sinister bloke with a lot of details listed as unknowm in his character profile” stock of fighting game characters, and he looks a lot like Dante from Devil May Cry. Apparently though, despite carrying a short sword, this is not his main method of attack. Instead, “His inclusion is making SoulCalibur’s “Weapon-based Fighting Game” style step into all-new territory”. This bit at least is exciting, and re-kindles my hope for Soulcalibur V’s promise to really shake things up.

Above: Not Dante

Faster gameplay, faster evades, more graceful animation, and of course those new Street Fighter-style Ultra moves all bode well. Let’s just hope the new roster as a whole is as refreshing when it’s all announced.

July 25, 2011

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